Feeling…. I think as life hits you sometimes, it can get so easy to be numb and feel nothing, just to stay in ‘accomplishing things’ mode. And I am quite guilty of this at times. I say this as a negative thing because ultimately even though on the surface of it you seem to be successful and on top of things, you actually do yourself more harm than good. I am thankful for a spirit that always alerts me when something somewhere needs processing…and I find the moments to pause and reflect…
Somehow this seems really an important part of being true to yourself and to being an artistic personality and an artist by profession. I don’t mean it just for a higher quality. depth and maturity of your art, but just as a person, to be well with your soul.
So this is how I feel…
I would like to cry tears of joy and sorrow at the same time, but I can’t cry at all just now. This is mostly because very soon I get to present a dance piece that is very special to me,While being art, like a painting, the dance speaks of a personal story that is very real for me. There is this strange juxtaposition though of translating from experience into works of art and dance, and in that transforming of the material, source of inspiration, incidents, how something changes so much in the crafting of it and yet at the essence, it stays so much the same. I don’t like to talk about the piece, because it is so personal, but I hope in my attempted portrayal and in the performance by my dancer, it is honest in sharing what is actually a universal human experience.
I feel physically and mentally tired. So much has happened this week that was more than I had planned. So much went wrong and had to be figured out. So much got solved and then more problems appeared. It was more than a little overwhelming, but I’m alright, breathing though the long days. And tomorrow will be a packed day, but I am ready for more problems appearing and cheerfully facing them head on! Power, power, power, and energy. Smiles.
My wrist is injured. This is painful and just complicates everything alot. Sometimes I just ignore the pain and carry on as normal, but this doesn’t help it heal. So, slow, awkward, clumsy, dependent, I have for the last 24 hours tried to let go my usual busy self mode and tried to be kind to my strained wrist. But continuing this is going to be tricky as the next week or so is a very demanding schedule, so I need grace and strength and angels please.
It feels like I need to make 500 phone calls tomorrow, even though it’s probably just 5 important ones. But my mind in many directions, is concerned I will forget, so lists follow soon.
I had a few different artistic puzzles this week. But there is one particular one I feel so helpless about. I have been wracking my brains as an artistic being to think different and find a better answer, but I feel with instead of option A, which is a 9 out of 10, I am stuck with option E which is a 2 or 3 on 10. And this feels awful, and it’s just so frustrating that I can’t directly tackle this in a better way. But. Here is when maturity and creativity must combine. There are a few other variables that come into play for the final result and though it’s a high pressure high stress circumstance, I have to ensure I use my creativity to the maximum there. I suppose it’s almost like a positive thinking strategy, while you minimise on a weakness, you need must then also maximise on your strengths.
I feel better now. Both for thinking things through but also taking some time to check on my emotions. Somedays, I still question it, but I know my sensitivity, high level of emotions, and perception is a gift.
God bless us all.